This first piece ( think : of crap ) that I wrote some time ago is intended to parody paranormal documentary-type shows that have a distinct bias toward believing in ufos etc . , such as Sightings or Overlords of the UFO . It ends without any real resolution , because by the time I got to writing the part where it does end , I was nigh up to here ( indicating below chin ) . Anyway , here it is ...
Good evening , I'm Earl Thackerey . Welcome to tonight's " Fringe Benefits " , where the loyal viewers - if such there be - benefit from hearing the latest speculation in the world of fringe science . Now , last week we did an expose on the quest for sasquatch , and you may have noticed that it was a rather dull expose . There's a reason for that : Last week our studio was mistakenly targeted by Right-wing extremists who thought we'd make a good target because someone had the audacity to spray paint the words " for the wrong reasons " , under our big sign that says " We Hate the government " . Of course , we do have different opinions on what the government does wrong in this country , but we can assure those who don't see completely eye-to-eye with us : We'll crusade against baby-butchering as soon as - if not later - we succeed in our crusade against the denial of aliens and so forth and so on . Anyway , having our studio in rubble , we were forced to film inside the stomach of a starved ox , the only available place within a two foot radius big enough to accommodate our large crew and array of advanced filming equipment ... And , boy , did it stink in there , giving us a wide range of screen time wherein we could look on the verge of vomiting , with the most pained facial expressions this side of me in my off-screen state , giving the viewers the impression - the correct impression - that no search for truth begins , or ends , with a happy face . Especially when the truth being sought is excessively hairy , in all probability has a putrid body odor , and no doubt defecates feces the size of which would make an elephant dining at a Mexican restaurant blush . So , you see , we just weren't in the right place to make an exciting show with a panel of scientists , in-the-forest reports , and weird special effects . And to all those who wrote in asking where we purchased " that beautiful red carpet " , it should be noted that it was not beautiful , and not a carpet ... It was ugly and an ox's stomach lining , respectively . Now , this week's show should be different ; we've rebuilt the old studio and are going to cover a subject which doesn't rely on rustic backdrops for the right to be called a serious documentation . Not only that , but this week is the first time the program is coherent enough to warrant an episode summary in the channel listings , although we are still being headed under " comedy " . Of course , we do make people laugh ; the unsettling truth always incites a nervous laugh . But it can also cause a bold reevaluation of the facts ... Remember , scientists used to believe that rocks did not fall from the sky . We now call these rocks meteors , or , at the very least , rocks that do fall from the sky . At any rate , the mystery we explore on tonight's program is as old as time itself ... if the 1960s can be called the beginning of a new age . And indeed it was . The 60s saw loosening morals , character assassination in its most literal form , and hippies , scores of them . But it also saw a new chapter in ufology : Abductions . It all began with Betty and Barney Hill . While television audiences were laughing at the exploits of Betty and Barney Rubble , another Betty and Barney were quickly entering the spotlight of controversy . The Hills were a couple who took the appeal of Oreo cookies to heart , and fashioned their relationship thus . Barney was a black man ; Betty , a white woman . That is for the record . Now , one night in New Hampshire they encountered a glowing flock of gulls , encompassing a giant weather balloon manned by figments of their imaginations . Sounds ridiculous , doesn't it ? Well , it is , but that is the skeptic's argument . In fact , what the Hills actually saw was an alien space craft manned by aliens from space . That is the believers - not to mention believable - argument . So , from here on in , we'll report on this subject as it pertains to the evidence , not necessarily the facts . Old facts are easily discarded , and should be discarded , when they are in gross contradiction with beliefs which prove the existence of extraterrestrial life . And , indeed , Betty Hill had no trouble proving her case . Under hypnosis , she reported that an alien stuck something through her belly button . Now , if we choose to disbelieve this , then we must consign ourselves to a reality that is still more unbelievable : Middle-aged women speaking of belly button intrusion without such a thing ever even had happen to them . And , you may wonder , why am I saying " belly button " instead of " navel " ? Navel is more scientific , isn't it ? Yes , it is . However , the term reminds our producers of the U.S. Navy , who stubbornly haven't admitted the existence of undersea space craft . We want nothing to even remind us of that abominable organisation . Anyway ... The truth is here , and it is stunning : Aliens of unknown outer space origin are kidnapping ordinary human beings , and are molesting them to the hilt . For every human being on this planet , it seems , there is a being from another planet who'd like the former said being to strip naked . This is serious business . The chief reason the government hasn't done anything to prevent it is because , frankly , they're afraid . How does one even begin to deal with a phenomenon that scrapes our thighs , puts conical devices on our penises , then , in a grand betrayal , attempts to erase these experiences from our memories ? Well , tonight we have two guests who have experienced this extreme form of unholy terror ; Lemar Stit , Amy Darling ! Welcome to the show !
Lemar and Amy : Great to be here !
Earl : Oh , I bet it is ! I mean , anything's better than being in a flying saucer , right ?
Lemar : They weren't saucers ; they were cigars .
Earl : Cigars ? You were in a cigar ?
Lemar : Mhm .
Earl : Well , let me tell y' somethin' ... You look every bit as normal as my son , an' he's been dead , let alone a cigar . ... In a cigar , rather . But , um ... That's beside the point , uh ...
Amy : What point ?
Earl : Pardon ?
Amy : It's beside what point?
Earl : What's beside what point?
Amy : I have no idea . That's why I'm asking you .
Earl : Um ... Lemar , did you make a point earlier which could o' got us into discussing something beside that point ?
Lemar : What point ? I didn't make any point .
Earl : Then ... How did we ... Get beside the ...? ... Lemar , didn't you make a point about how genuinely hilarious duct tape is ?
Lemar : I , uh ...
Earl : Okay , problem solved ! Now , back to that duct tape . Um ... Amy , did the aliens use duct tape ?
Amy : Oh , no , absolutely not . They're devoid of any love , much less humor .
Earl : So they aren't funny guys ?
Lemar : No , um ... Actually , they're prophetic guys .
Earl : Really ? My word ... Now , did they offer you any glimpses into the future ?
Lemar : Yes , they ... They gave me catastrophic visions !!
Earl : No way ! What'd you see ?
Lemar : I saw , um ... The fender ... The fender of my car getting smashed !!
Earl : Holy ...! Has it happened yet ?!
Lemar : What ?
Earl : The fender of your car getting smashed !
Lemar : Oh , uh ... No , not yet .
Earl : Well , you keep us posted , because if it does occur ... If it does occur ... Listen to me very carefully , Lemar ... If your fender does get smashed , then ... the aliens were right .
Lemar : Oh , my ... ! You serious ?! Then that'd mean , like ... aliens could see the future !!
Earl : Yeah , I mean , think of the implications ! I mean , we could be watching newscasters using pop culture references to make themselves seem hip , and ... And then , right there in the parking lot ...! Fender ...! ... Smashed ...!
Amy : The aliens told me that the key is love .
Earl : Uuh ... Right . Um ... Would you mind maybe , um ... elaborating on that , Amy ?
Amy : The key is love .
Earl : Psh ... Those aliens and their useless generalizations ... Look , Amy ! I don't want to be told to love ! In fact , I , I ... I don't , y'know , I mean ... Love myself even , an' ... I subscribe to People , an ' they tell y' about all the beautiful people in the world , 'n' I still don't know who , or , or ... Even how to ... To love , essentially !! Oh , the humanity of it all !! If just once there was someone worth loving !! But , no ! This earth is filled with dull humans , an' the universe stinks OF SICK ALIENS !!!! ... Now , about those aliens ...
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