George Lutz interview : Part 1

First of all , let me say that I don't mean any offense toward anyone related to / associated with / devoted to George Lutz . I realize that he recently passed away , and I certainly don't want any of this to be interpreted as malice toward the deceased . In fact , I may be the pitiable one here , if no one thinks it's funny . At any rate - especially the big ones - let us proceed ...

Just in time for Halloween , I've unearthed this fake George Lutz interview - done by my fake George Lutz interviewer - from the depths of my myself foresaken e-magination ( my imagination when related to computer endeavors of the imagination ) . And it's all so Halloweenish because it's fake , not because it's ghostly . ... Well , both . But the fact that people fake being other people for Halloween supersedes the ghost stuff , because it , well ... never mind , nothing funny to say . So , here is the interview , conducted by a fake person whom I have dubbed John Stit ,,,

John : Welcome , Mr. Lutz .

George : Thank you , nice to be here .

John : That must've been exactly what you said back then , too .

George : Back when ?

John : When you moved into 112 Ocean Avenue .

George : Absolutely .

John : That must've been one ... One heckofamoment , was it not ?

George : Indeed . For it was then that the spectral Indian chief first began observing our every action through the fiery red eyes of a ghostly pig .

John : Mm hm . Now , was it ever proven correct that the house was built on tribal burial ground ?

George : Yes , I believe it was .

John : Okay , so ... Now here's something that just ... Just puzzles the living **** out o' me , um ...If the haunting was Indian in nature - and I don't mean literally in nature , because it was in fact in the house - but ... If the root of the problem grew from an Indian burial ground ... What the sorry **** is this about you hearing a marching band ? Do Indians march in marching bands ? It just ... doesn't make much of a bushel of sense , let alone a kernel ...

George : I heard a marching band .

John : ...

George : Now , why Indians would be marching in a band , I don't know . But you gotta remember , John , there were other kinds of spirits in the house .

John : Other spirits ?

George : Yes . For example , Kathy sensed the presence of an elderly woman with cheap perfume .

John : Uuuh ... Kathy's cheap perfume allowed her to ... ?

George : No , the elderly lady smelled -

John : Oh , okay ! I get it ! The elderly woman smelled of cheap perfume . I gotcha .

George : The dead elderly woman .

John : How ... How did Kathy know it was a woman spirit ? I mean , these days men - particularly old men - use perfume , sometimes ... Sometimes - I mean , particularly with old men - it isn't just the queer factor , but they genuinely believe that woman's perfume is something to be put on themselves . I guess what I'm trying to say is ... How does one " feel " a woman's presence as opposed to a man's presence ?

George : Well , to be frank ... I feel a woman's presence in this room right now .

John : Oh , don't be silly , George ! There are no dead women ... A dead woman ?

George : No .

John : C'mon , George , we're the only two people in this room , and I'm not a woman .

George : Neither am I .

John : Alright ... alright . We'll just have to agree to disagree on the fact we all know is true , but which will not - will not , George - be discussed any further . Is that clear ?

George : Clear as a ghost .

John : Clear ... as a ghost ? ... That ... heh heh heh ... That's clever ! Haaahaahaahaaaaahaaaaa ! That is truly clever ! Hahahahahahahaaahahahahahahahahhhhaaaaaaaahahaaaha !!! Oh , I LOVE IT , and it isn't just nervous laughter over what we were just talking about !!! It - being your quip - how I love thee !! Let me count the ways ! INFINITY !!! IINNFINNITTYYYYY !! INFINITY EVERYTHING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

George : My water just ran out .

John : *sigh* ... Your what ? Your wat- oh , you mean in the mug . We'll get you some more . You're gonna need it .