Columbo parody

Peter Falk as -

Columbo

" Death's Dark Laughter "

Harold Lashley sat broodingly in his posh mansion , watching an upstart prime time sit-com , one which he himself had written . As the monotony grew , both in style and substance , Harold realized something ...

Harold : This show , I ... I don't recall there ever being a mention that it was ... taped before a ... live studio audience ...

Harold then became detached completely from the television , and went into something of a trance ...

Harold : I ... w-wrote this show with ... With my own bare hands , I ... I punched every key ... Every key that made ... every letter ... Thus creating every joke and ... the descriptions for every sight gag , and now ... Now the big shot producer insults ... me . He insults me by , by having ... a laugh track instead of real people ... ? Is my humor so bad that it needs a laugh track to define it ... ? ... No ! I'm hilarious ! Brilliant ! I need not artificial appreciation for my wondrous talent ! I'm funny enough to have the entire known universe watch my script being acted out , laughing so maddeningly that for all intents and purposes matter collapses in on itself , then reforms to create a world where everything revolves around ME !!

Harold lunged from his chair , grabbing the telephone from a nearby coffee table . His finger poised to turn the dial ; eyes shifting back and forth in thought , he tried to recall the number to Germain Keel's office . Germain Keel ... The producer of " Go fly a kite " , the sit-com for which Harold's comedic mind had labored so laboriously . And for what ? For what ? Harold swallowed hard , then closed his eyes with intensity . ... The number ... He remembered the number . His eyes shot open as if he expected to see the most unforgivingly ghastly sight before him , but no ... It was only his index finger , trembling wildly on the phone dial . With a grunt of suppressed bravado , he dialed the number ...

Germain Keel was in his dimly lit office , going over some papers on his desk . As he held a document in his left hand , his right reached for his coffee mug , which rested against a row of eight Nickelodeon Kid's Choice awards he had bribed off of Tim Allen in the mid-nineties . Then the desk phone rang ; Germain picked up the receiver ...

Germain : Germain Keel . Can I help you ?

Harold : Germain ...

Germain : Yes ? Who is this ?

Harold : It's me .

Germain : Sorry , I don't know anyone by that name . Is it possible you have the wrong nu -

Harold : It's Harold !

Germain : Oh ! Harold ! Um ... What happened to your esteem , the high/self kind ? I mean , you should never refer to yourself as " it " .

Harold : Oh , I can assure you , Germain , my pride has never been greater ! Yes , it's swollen beyond recognition , despite your ridiculous efforts !

Germain : Efforts ? Harold ?

Harold : What ?!

Germain : Pardon me , did you say " efforts " ? Harold , you know as well as I do that I go to no effort to do anything . After all , I'm in charge here at the studio .

Harold : Yes , how unfortunate .

Germain : Harold , is something bothering you ?

Harold : Yes .

Germain : Is it urgent ?

Harold : Yes , quite .

Germain : Is it ... biotic ?

Harold : For the time being .

Germain : ... What's on your mind , Harold ?

Harold : Laughter ...

Germain : Pardon ?

Harold : Germain , may I ask you ... When was the last time you felt that laughter , in its most pure and natural form , was not only called for , but absolutely necessary in order to affirm the genuine genuine genuineness of , say , a fart joke's hilarity ?

Germain : Uh , well ... Now that you mention it , I just farted a minute ago and ... didn't laugh . But I still found it funny . So ... Why do you ask ?

Harold : I've been thinking ...

Germain : I'd say " there's a first time for everything " , but that joke's already been made innumerably numerous times in our show . By the way , did you catch tonight's episode ?

Harold : ... Yes . And you see , Germain , that is where my problem rests .

Germain : ...

Harold : I saw the show , alright ... I saw it ... I saw all fifteen minutes of a fifteen minute sampling of the full half hour of it ! Fifteen minutes ... That's all I could take , before becoming so enraged ... so enraged , that I ... couldn't view it any longer ... I was so angry that I ... just had to call you ...

Germain : Well , I'm glad you consider me a confidant .

Harold : No ... Not a confidant , Germain ...

Germain : But you just confided in me that I'm not a confidant !

Harold : I won't beat around the bush any longer ... You didn't use a live studio audience , did you ?

Germain : A live studio what ?

Harold : You used a laugh track , Germain ! A laugh track !

Germain : For " Go fly a kite " ? Well , of course ! Is there something wrong with that ?

Harold : I don't need artificial laughter , Germain ! My jokes don't need ... Artificial laughter !

Germain : Of course not . Nobody needs anything . However , there are necessities , and then there are luxuries ...

Harold : Luxury ?! Don't tell me about luxury , Germain ! You may have written the book on it , but that's long since been burned in the bon fire of my designs ! I have your number , Germain ! And it's not divisible ! In fact , in one fell swoop it'll be reduced to NOTHING !!

Germain : ...

Harold : Are you going to be home alone later on tonight ?

Germain : Not alone , Harold . No , mine is a house of spirits , and therefore ... I always have company , most often within my grasp . Does that sound sinister , Harold ?

Harold : Mm , yes . Drunkenness ... A classic sin ! And one , I'm afraid , soon to be outdone tonight . ... Have any servants ?

Germain : Hm hm ... I'm talking to one right now .

Harold : Ah , ha , ha , ha ... Ah , yes . Well , Germain , I must say , this little conversation has picked me up . Now just wait ... 'til I drop in ...

Germain : Harold ? Harold ?!?