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Doctor John Soccer is a child psychologist based in Accosted , Minnesota . Several weeks ago he held a question and answer forum at the town hall , which hundreds attended to find answers to their children's most dire " oopsies " ( mistakes , problems etc ) . Here is a portion of what went on at that event ...

Dr . Soccer : Welcome , folks . I'm glad you are , um ... *cough* ... I am glad you are here , and I sure's **** hope you feel the same way . I also hope that , uh ... That you feel yourself , as I feel myself , otherwise ... *sigh* ... Otherwise I'll be in odd company for the next two hours , and I'm sorry to say ... that I'm not going to be saying sorry for what I just said . But , as I said , I'm sorry that I'm not going to say sorry . Sorry , that is , in relation to the fact that I referred to you people as odd . That is , the sorry I'm not going to say is the sorry for my offensive remark , as opposed to the sorry I am saying , which is in regards to the fact that I'm not saying sorry for the remark . At any rate ... Questions ?

Mrs . Frawley : Uh , yes ... Dr . Soccer , I'd like to ask you about my , um ... About my mistake . Now ...

Dr . Soccer : Boy or girl ?

Mrs . Frawley : Pardon ? Wait , no ! No , no ... I'm referring to the mistake I made bringing up my son .

Dr . Soccer : How long was he under ?

Mrs . Frawley : Under what ?

Dr . Soccer : Uuuh ... I'm assuming water , ma'am , but I really have no idea . Only you have the answer .

Mrs . Frawley : So ... I'm already equipped with the knowledge to answer my own questions ?

Dr . Soccer : No . No , what I'm saying is ... How could I possibly know what you tried to drown your son in ?

Mrs . Frawley : Uuh ... Okay , now , um ... Are you referring to my love ?

Dr . Soccer : * sigh* ... Ma'am , what do you possibly - possibly , ma'am , not probably , not maybe - possibly ... What do you possibly hope to gain by taking me for a world cla - no ; a universe class fool ?

Mrs . Frawley : *sigh* ... Honestly , Dr. Soccer , I just wanna ask about m -

Dr . Soccer : Then just spit it out , ma'am !! Pretend there's a lion's share o' **** in your mouth , an' just spit it out !! In other words , don't pretend , just spit it out !!

Mrs . Frawley : I , I'm tryi -

Dr . Soccer : Not hard enough !!

Mrs . Frawley : I'm trying !!

Dr . Soccer : Not hard ENOUGH !!

Mrs . Frawley : I'm TRYING !! I'M TRYYYYYIINNNGG !!! ****it , how I'm TRYING !!!

Dr . Soccer : Mm ... Okay , so ... succeed .

Mrs . Frawley : Will you ... *sigh* ... Will you LET me ?!

Dr . Soccer : Ma'am ... *sigh* ... I've been " letting " you this whole time !

Mrs . Frawley : *sigh* ...

Dr . Soccer : Look , uh ... This would probably be a good time to segue into some general , non - question - related advice ... I ... *sigh* ... And this's from my heart , folks , uh ... before I go on , let me give you the honest truth here ... My *sigh* ... My heart , from which what I'm about to say comes , has variously been described by my wife , mistress , and children as ... *cough* ... Dark ... *COUGH* ... Mm . Excuse me ... Malicious ... Full ... of malice ... which I believe ... is the same as " malicious " , but , then , what do you expect from the **** kids ? They ain't n-*cough* *COUGH* ... mm ... They ain't no Einsteins . ... In league with the dev- I'm talking about my heart again now - in league with the devil ... Grossly ... misdirected ... and misaligned . I could go on , but , y'know , why bother ? None of it's true . And you'll notice that none of it's true in the advice I'm about to give ... I want you - all o' you - to be - like the insect ; simple terminology here - all you can be . And if you can't ? Well ... Then apparently you don't want to . You don't want to be ... all you can be . Why ? ' Cause you're too busy trying to be all you can't be . And what can't you be ? Well , can three apples be five apples ? Yes , you say , if you add two apples . However , the addition of the two apples has nothing to do with the other three wanting to be five ; rather , it has to do with the two apples that were added wanting to be two among three which , of course , equals five . And , in any case , apples don't want to be anything , because they are , in fact , mindless . Mindless , of course , meaning quite literally without a mind . So , I'm not referring to merely " absent minded " apples , although I do refer to apples without minds , however , not in the sense that they have minds - absent minded minds - but in the sense that they literally , truly and honestly , have absolutely no mental faculties . ... But , uh ... Anyway , ma'am , can you please ask the question you supposedly intended to ask ?

Mrs . Frawley : I ... Am I dead ?

Dr . Soccer : Uuuh ... You mean dead , like ... Like , are you going to be dead ? You know , sometimes when someone says they're dead , they're not actually dead , but are simply and inevitably going to die . Now , in that regard , I can assure you that I have no present intention of ensuring your demise , but , um ...

Mrs . Frawley : No , I mean ... Am I dead ? Because all of this feels like a living hell .

Dr . Soccer : Oh . ... Well , it's a possibility , although if it were truly the case , it'd mean that I am dead , too , and as far as I know , um ... I'm not . But I could just as well be some sort of manifestation of a satanic power who , in the process of being conjured up , was given a memory akin to something a flesh and blood human'd have . ... At least , that'd account for my childhood memories of finding pleasure in socking fat children's stomachs .

Mrs . Frawley : ... Thank you .

Dr . Soccer : My pleasure ... transient as it may be . ... Any , uh ... Any other questions ?

Mr . Edison : Uh , yes ... Doc Soccer ...

Dr . Soccer : Doctor Soccer .

Mr . Edison : That's just a one syllable dif , i'n'it ?

Dr . Soccer : A one syllable difference , yes .

Mr . Edison : Well , Dr . Soccer , you certainly have room in your thinking for syllables , so now let's see'f you have room for this ... Why is my son now my daughter ?

Dr . Soccer : Alright , uh ... Has the child undergone any sort of surgery ?

Mr . Edison : I don't think that's any of your business , doctor .

Dr . Soccer : Sir ! Sir , what kind of example are you to th-

Mr . Edison : A good example !

Dr . Soccer : What kind of exa-

Mr . Edison : A good example !

Dr . Soccer : Sir , you'd better let me finish my question , or else I'm not gonna let you finish your sojourn on this planet , this ...

Mr . Edison : Up yours , doc ! To the hilt !

Dr . Soccer : ... this tiny , insignificant planet , that was accidentally formed ...

Mr . Edison : Go bathe in yer own **** **** , doc ! Atleast then you'd smell better 'n' ...

Dr . Soccer : ... which accidentally came into being , and not even in the center of our galaxy , which isn't even in the center of this UNIVERSE !!

Mr . Edison : Yeah ?! Well I believe the world revolves around me , an' I don't give a **** if it ain't flat , 'n' if the sun isn't revolvin' around it , an' I don't even give a spurt o' my own **** that it has a **** fever an' it's gonna melt its ice bergs 'n' drown me !!

Dr . Soccer : Well , I hope it does ! I hope it does !!

Mr . Edison : Then I hope it does you , too ! A thousandth fold !

Dr . Soccer : *sigh* ... Sir , look ... You wanna be the tough guy , go ahead an' be the tough guy . You wanna be the smart guy , then I suggest you don't be the tough guy . And if you wanna be the weak , cowardly , stupid guy ... I suggest you carry on from here .

Mr . Edison : ... Uh ...

Dr . Soccer : That's right , sir . Sit down . Go ahead an ' sit down ! Sit down so everyone here can tell your stinkin' , feces-laden *** from your ditto face ! Furthermore , wipe that crummy corpus o' snot from under your nose , or is that just your mustache ?!!

Mr . Edison : Sheez ...

Dr . Soccer : It is , isn't it ? Heh , heh ... Yeah , my second guesses are always the right ones . Always . ... Moving on , I'd like to hazard a suggestion , um ... " Hazard " seems an apt word for this evening , doesn't it ? Anyway , I'd like to suggest that anyone who has a child that's a picky eater , uh ... That they would ask me , without malice - WITHOUT MALICE !! - *sigh* ... what they can do about it . Sooooo ... Anyone here have a son or daughter who ... ? Yes , you ma'am .

Mrs . Logan : Yes ... uh ... My ten year old ...

Dr . Soccer : Ten years old ? Already ?! Boy , he's sure ge'in' old !

Mrs . Logan : Yes . Now , my question is abou-

Dr . Soccer : UP THERE ...

Mrs . Logan : I beg your pardo-

Dr . Soccer : ... as my grandpap used to say .

Mrs . Logan : Anyway , my ten year old , he do-

Dr . Soccer : I still can't believe he's that old ! My word ! He sure isn't lookin' it !

Mrs . Logan : Excuse me , Dr . Soccer , but you've never seen my son . How do you presume to know ...

Dr . Soccer : Isn't he the kid sitting next to you ?

Mrs . Logan : Uh ... That's my boy friend , doctor .

Dr . Soccer : WELL !! He sure puts the " boy " in boy friend , I can tell y' that much !

Mrs . Logan : Y'know , Dr . Soccer ... *sigh* ... Can I just ask my question ?

Dr . Soccer : Of course you can ! You just asked it !

Mrs . Logan : That wasn't my question !

Dr . Soccer : Oh ?! Then what was it , a declaration ?!

Mrs . Logan : Oh , my ... this's just ... *sigh*

Dr . Soccer : Look , ma'am , I am a well educated professional ! I think I can tell the difference between questions , statements , and straight up horse **** ; and I must say , you seem to favor usage of the latter ! The latter latter !!

Mrs . Logan : Look , y'know ... You can stand there an' ...

Dr . Soccer : I am !

Mrs . Logan : ... spouting your head off , an' everything else . And you can scream at me , and ...

Dr . Soccer : Ma'am , you're not by any chance a police officer , are you ?

Mrs . Logan : No ... No ! No , I'm not !

Dr . Soccer : Then , please ma'am ... Stop reading me my rights . And you're not even reading them , you're makin'm up out'f thin air !! Don't get me wrong , I , I ... concede with them , uh ... Immensely ! But I know them already ! Now , what about this alleged question of yours , the one concerning your ... child , I believe ?

Mrs . Logan : *sigh* ... Okay , um ... My son , last week , he , uh ... I was serving roast beef , a meal he usually enjoys , but ... When I served it last week , he kept spitting it up on his plate , so ... I don't know if , like ... If he just didn't like it and was being offensive about it , or ... or if he was actually choking on it , or ...

Dr . Soccer : Uuuh , well ... Ma'am , please don't be offended , but ... Why did you even produce a child such as the one you speak of ?! Why did you allow him to be cultured enough to realize that your cooking's horrible ?!

Mrs . Logan : You don't know anything about my cooking !!

Dr . Soccer : I know everything about your cooking !! I know it looks like roast beef ; probably smells like roast beef ; and that , despite what one might assume , it tastes like the back end of a brontosaur , otherwise your kid'd eat it !!

Mrs . Logan : The back end of a ... brontosaur ?

Dr . Soccer : Yes , ma'am , the back end of a brontosaur . I'm only gonna say it once .

Mrs . Logan : Well , I resent that remark !!

Dr . Soccer : So ?!

Mrs . Logan : ...

Dr , Soccer : That's right , ma'am . I can render any point moot with the output of a single word !

Mrs . Logan : ...

Dr . Soccer : How d' y' like that ... I'm just ... just about as marvelous as the galaxy , let me tell you ... And if there were no galaxy ? Well , then ... I couldn't even begin to describe the sense of wonder I'd elicit from anyone even in a mile of my proximity .

Audience : ...

Dr . Soccer : Y'see , folks , we have opportunity for fun here . But that is not our purpose . What's more , fun is not what we've been having . Why ? ... There are several possible answers , one of which is a heavy contender for the answer , and is actually stated in the form of a question - in the grand old tradition of that **** game show what'sitsname - and is simply this ... Yeah , why haven't we been having fun ?!

Audience : ...

Dr . Soccer : Anyway , I'm still open to questions , so anyone wanna ... pick my brain , 'r pick my ... No , huh ? I can tell by the looks on your faces , and by the way , I'm not addressing you all as a group , but rather I'm speaking to a single two headed man among you .

Audience : ...

Dr . Soccer : ... That was ... supposed to be funny , I ... I think . Uuh ... I mean , if not the part about me saying " your faces " doesn't actually refer to all o' you people , but one of you people , uh ... But still applicable to that one person , because ... he has ... two heads . ... ... ... ... Or the part where I said a single two headed man ... that part was supposed to tickle you , too , because ... " single " and " two " are differing ... concepts , and ... but ... Does anyone wanna ... wanna ask me something ?

Mrs . Beel : Yes , Mr . Soccer ...

Dr . Soccer : Dr . Soccer .

Mrs . Beel : I , um ... don't consider you a doctor .

Dr . Soccer : Oh , y' don't , do y' ?!! Now , would that be because I'm better than a doctor , or worse than a doctor ?!

Mrs . Beel : Well , I ...

Dr . Soccer : And , and , and ... ! Before you answer my query , remember ... Remember that there's nothing in the hand book of this pathetic , meaningless earthly life that prohibits me somehow attaining enough power to destroy whomever I choose ! And let me tell y' ... If you answer the wrong way , you will be one honey of an easy choice for me , if I in fact attain the power . And , like I said , there's nothing saying I can't , and ... And ! There's no one begging I won't ... yet .

Mrs . Beel : Mr . Soccer , just who do you think you are ?!

Dr . Soccer : I'm Dr . John Soccer . Li'l' ol' Dr . John Soccer .

Mrs . Beel : ... ...

Dr . Soccer : You expected me to answer with self praise , didn't you ? You expected me to say ... I'm the greatest , the best , the coolest , more excellent than Bill 'n' Ted's adventure !! Am I right ?

Mrs . Beel : ... I ...

Dr . Soccer : I am , are not I ? Yeah ... You think I'm some vain , conceited , head strong ... ! ... Sorry , I ... I seem to have reached the limit of my vocabulary pertaining to my , um ... Well , like I said , I've reached my limit . ... And y'know why ? Y'know why ?! ' Cause those sorts of words - words which describe the pathetic state of the human condition - are at odds with my world view . Why ? Because I am an optimist , and I believe greatly in the quiet majesty of untapped human potential ! In fact , I believe that a one month old baby can move a mountain , even if it's dead ! Even if it's dead ! I mean , *sigh* ... Can you feel the optimism tonight ? It's palpable beyond anyone's wildest dreams , folks ! And there's nothing here that can break it , except one thing ! One thing ... And that thing , that one ... THING !! ... has been dominant this evening . It has been a dominating force ... A driving force !! And it's been driving under the influence , under your influence !!

Audience : ...

Dr . Soccer : That's right . ... That is exactly right !!

Audience : ...

Dr . Soccer : What hast you people wrought ? *sigh* ... I mean , I ... I partly blame myself , since I ... I'm one who has dabbled consistently in reverse psychology , and ... perhaps I'm good at it . After all , you all came here with the goal being enlightenment , but somehow ... Somehow you've all reversed ... Got it all reversed in your minds , and ... But ... *sigh*

Mrs . Beel : Anyway , Mr . Soccer ...

Dr . Soccer : Dr . Soccer ! Dr . Soccer !!

Mrs . Beel : Mr . Soccer ...

Dr . Soccer : Doctor ! Doctor , doctor , doctor , doctor , DOCTOR !!

Mrs . Beel : Mister , mister , mister , mister , mister ...

Dr . Soccer : Shut up , ma'am !! Just shut y'r stinkin' ...

Mrs . Beel : Mr . Soccer ! Mr . Soccer !

Dr . Soccer : Alright ! Alright ! Fine ... carry on .

Mrs . Beel : ... ... ... ...

Dr . Soccer : ... Ahem ... Carry on , ma'am .

Mrs . Beel : ... ... ...

Dr . Soccer : Hmmmm ... ... SHUT UP !!!

Mrs . Beel : Mr . Soccer , Mr . Soccer , Mr . Soccer , Mr . Soccer ...

Dr . Soccer : Wait , wait !! Hold up a minute !

Mrs . Beel : Mr . Soccer !! Misssstteerr !!

Dr . Soccer : Persist !

Mrs . Beel : ... ... ... ...

Dr . Soccer : *sigh* ... Alright , now ... Ladies and gentlemen , I ... I believe I now know the true secret to solving your childrens ' problems . And , oddly enough , this knowledge has come to me through the most intense conflict of pure insanity I have engaged in since last night when I demanded for twenty minutes that my colleagues cease viewing me through non transparent glass while I interrogated a little one . Boy , I'll tell y' ... Arguing with an empty observation room is ... Well , I'll never make that mistake again . ... Unless , of course , it's advantageous . ... Anyway , I now realize ... I now realize that reverse psychology is the one clear path to overcoming any child's difficulty in life . ... ... So , for example , say your daughter comes home with a tattoo , right ? Well , you simply say , um ... *cough* ... You say , " Honey , I am just head over heels about that heart with a skull on it ; looks just like the real thing ! " Y'know what ? In a matter of seconds ... Look , if you took five seconds to lie to your daughter ? Five seconds later , that tattoo'll be gone . Gone . In a twinkle of spittle . This is how reverse psychology works , so ...

Mr . Thomas : Uh , excuse me , Dr . Soccer , but , uh ... I'm Charles Thomas , and I fancy myself as somewhat of a ... a ... ooh , um ... Somewhat of a biologist ... ? ... something of that nature ... At any rate , I know enough about the laws of physicalicity to know that your advice about this tattoo thing is wrong . Dead wrong .

Dr . Soccer : Oh ?

Mr . Thomas : Yes , um ... You see , tattoos cannot spontaneously disappear .

Dr . Soccer : Ahem ! Alright , um ... Thank you for that completely uninformed argument , Mr . Thomas , but as any member of the audience who isn't deaf knows , uh ... You're not deaf , are you , Mr . Thomas ?

Mr . Thomas : No . No , I'm not . The hearing aid's just for show .

Dr . Soccer : ... Oh . Didn't even ... notice that . ... But , Mr . Thomas , if you had listened - if you had been all ears , like some ... some comical rabbit , you would have heard that I in no way , matter , shape , form or physique am suggesting that tattoos can " spontaneously disappear " . No , what I said , Mr . Thomas ... What I said was that the tattoo would disappear after a proper application of reverse psychology . Y'see ?

Mr . Thomas : Uuuh ... That wouldn't work , either .

Dr . Soccer : ... Alright . Okay , Mr . Thomas , you keep telling yourself that , but you'll see ! Ooh , you'll see . You'll see the truth with a vividness as if through the eyes of a hawk on the prey , uh , prowl ... like a hawk on the prowl ... And that is a true fact - a glaring fact , pun intended , THANK YOU VERY MUCH !!

Mr . Thomas : You're welcome .

Dr . Soccer : Uuuhh .. Of ... Of course I am , but ... For what ?

Mr . Thomas : Doctor ?

Dr . Soccer : What ... What am I welcome for ?

Mr . Thomas : Yes ?

Dr . Soccer : ... For what , Mr . Thomas ?

Mr . Thomas : Well , to begin with , you're not welcome for , but welcome to .

Dr . Soccer : ... Alright , what ... what am I welcome to ?

Mr . Thomas : Whatever it is in your heart of hearts you were thanking me for , doctor .

Dr . Soccer : I have not a heart to ... to do what you're telling me it did , Mr . Thomas !

Mr . Thomas : *sigh* I ... I know . I should have realized it sooner . Maybe you could have been saved , but as it stands now ... *sigh* ... How ironic that a man dispensing child rearing hints was void of a good , stable father himself ...

Dr . Soccer : ...

Mr . Thomas : ... Yes , it's true , John . ... I'm your father ... *sigh* ... I'm your daddy ...

Dr . Soccer : D - daddy ... ... daddy ... daddy ... ? ... Daddy ? Daddy ?! ... DADDY !!!!

Mr . Thomas : Yes , my boy ! Come give your poppa a nice , big hug !!

Mr . Edison : It's the **** father's fault !! He made this guy a freak !!

Mrs . Logan : Let's get'm before he spawns another one !!!

Mrs . Frawley : GET ' EM !! Get the sonuva ... !!!!

And so , the parents who attended the forum learned , from trial and error - grueling trial , and tremendous error , neither one completely their fault - how not to raise their childrens . But the question remains - How to raise a child ? And in the words of Mr . Foster , former director of the C . I . A . - You know the answer to that .