Public School Tales Treasury : A Treasury - Book 1

The Fall leaves flittered down passed the tissue paper adorned windows of Walter Weiner's momentarily vacant classroom . Walter sat at his desk , and realized , aloud , what it all meant :" Fall is when the leaves fall . The leaves are falling . This must be Fall . " And as the truth of what season it was emerged in his mind , Walter had a frightening vision of the ensuing months . This was the season of evil ; the season of strife ; this was the season ... when blood ran rife . This ... was the season of teaching . If Walter wasn't smart enough to know that Hades is eternal , as opposed to several months long , he'd think he was at the start of it . However , the job had its perks ... if " perk " could be defined as the agonizing convulsions a spider goes through after having had it with a book . And , indeed , Walter had had it ... with books . That was why he had " Baby : The True Story of a Congoland Dinosaur " , or whatever the **** it's called , ready to pop in the vcr just as soon as his class arrived and settled down . He eyed the clock , half-hoping that , somehow , the clock wouldn't be there to remind him that ... that ... Anyway , Walter knew that he had to do it . Teaching was his bitter-sweet curse . ... No , just bitter . Like Tylenol . Tylenol ... could that provide Walter with ultimate peace ? No ! No ... As long as the tormentors had the possibility of death , Walter would not turn his hand on himself . Heaven help him if they become invincible ... No , invulnerable ... Wait , what's the difference ? Walter didn't quite know , so he began rummaging through his desk papers , hoping to find a dictionary or the like . All that was on his desk , however , were ungraded test papers ... student photos he had forgotten to pass out last year ... and .... Lo ! the penmanship paper Gary from ten years ago was assigned to write on the subject of " Why I'm never in class most Mondays and /or Thursdays and Fridays " ! It was a piece so breathlessly pathetic , that Walter had spent the last decade rereading it whenever the thrill of his life was gone . As of late , he had feared the paper was lost to his mess , but no ! Glowing with a new-found satisfaction , Walter leaned back comfortably in his big , leather desk chair . So back , in fact , that he lost consciousness . All the blood had rushed to his head , leaving his brain - located in the lower body like those stegosaurs of yore - in need of blood nourishment . Boy , Walter thought . What I'd do for a little blood nourishment in class ! Of course , this thought was an unconscious thought , for he was , at the time , unconscious . Walter continued his unconscious thinking : If only I'd remember these things I'm thinking when I awake from all this !! But alas , this was only wishful thinking ... wishful , unconscious thinking . ... Walter's senses danced among the abstract imagery of his closed mind for several more moments , and then ... Bam !!! Walter , startled awake , lifted his head from his desk , only to find a bright red sphere next to his favorite stapler on the top left corner of the aforementioned desk . " Good heavens , my desk has a tumor ! " , he shrieked . " Naw , man , that's jes ' the apple I brought you . " Walter turned to the side , seeing that class was now apparently in session , as there was a familiar , but nonetheless menacing , tween in his midst . " You'll get an ' F ' for that ! " " For what ? " " Waking me up ! " " But you's already 'sleep when I gots here . " Walter , perplexed , thought in silence for a few seconds . " ... You'll get an ' A ' instead . " " For what ? " " For your expert use of fuzzy ... No , wooly logic . " " Thanks , teach ! " " Shut up an' sit at your desk !! " After instinctively landing a strong fist upon Walter's abdomen , the unruly student shuffled pseudo-obediently to his desk . A moment later , other students had entered the classroom and sat down in their seats . Already a nervous wreck , Walter wearily stood up and greeted the class . " Good morning , class . " " ... " " Good morning !! " " Good morning , Mr . Weiner ! " The childrens giggled with something bordering on delight . " And you can quit LAUGHING !! Don't you nitwits know that my last name isn't synonymous with ... ! *sigh* ... You've all taken sex ed , haven't ya ?! " " ' Sex ' Ed don't go t' school here anymore , Mr . Weiner ! " " Well , then I say good riddance !! Which reminds me ... Roll call . " Walter glared devilishly at his student load . " I must warn you , if any student says they aren't here , but in fact are , they will be fined one hundred percent of their wages ! " A red haired little boy screeched , " Zowie ! We get paid for goin' t' school ?! " " No !! ... No ... You don't get paid . No , you ... you pay . " A sinister smile ran ear to ear across Walter's face . " You're just a ... weirdo ... A weirdo , Mr . Weiner . " " Is that sarcasm I hear , boy ?!! " " No ! Or yes ! Or , um ... yes and no , or ... I don'know !! I'm just too stupid to know anything , I think . Umm ... Say , Mr . Weiner , can you write me a note excusin' me from school 'cause I'm too stupid t' learn anything , anyway ? " " I'll write it , all right . On your heart ... with my venom . " " Are you a snake , Mr . Weiner ? " " Oh , you'll hope that I was ... " " Was ? " " You'll see ... after school ... 5 o' clock sharp ... with a bullet . " The red haired little boy shrank in his seat . Walter scratched his head . " All right !! Now ... ! ... Attendance ! Tom ! Tom Ebel ! Are you here , Tom ? ... TOM !!!!!! " " WHAAATTT !?! " " Are you ... For cryin' out loud , are ya here , Thom ?!! " " Psh ... Yeah , I'm here ... " " Good ! Now ... " " ... with a gun . " " Pardon ? What was that , Tom ? " " I'm here with a gun . " " ... *sigh* ... So you are . What ... What are your terms , Tom ? "

Two hours later , Tom was nearing the end of his manifesto ...

" ... And yes , I hate myself , too ... So you see , I hate everyone ... including the man who always passes gas as he's passing me ... in the mall . ... ... ... Look , I'm the first one to admit how crazy all this sounds ... "