Other Star Wars stuff...

In Episode 6, Darth Valid's shuttle has just arrived in the Debt Star, and 'Moff Ballentz is greeting the dark lord as he disembarks...

Ballentz: Lord Valid, what a splendidly splendid, splendible pleasure! What brings you here?

Valid: ... My shuttle.


As Ballentz and Valid walk side-by-side between two facing lines of Imperial officers, the 'Moff regards his superior with a look of utter befuddlement. His confusion goes unaddressed for two successive minutes. Then...

Valid: It's a joke.

Ballentz: You... You mean... Your shuttle didn't bring y-

Valid: No, commander; my shuttle did. But that wasn't really what you were asking about, was it?

Ballentz: ... I'm baffled.

They continue walking in silence, Ballentz's head bowed in contemplation. This persists for five minutes. Then...

Ballentz: ... ... ... You mean you came here as a joke?

Valid: I come everywhere as a joke. I mean, a man with one buttock of flesh, one of copper? That's a joke. More than that, it's Yin/Yang, or however the **** you say it.

Ballentz: Uhh... You mean, Bright Side/Go-

Valid: Goth Side. Right.

Ballentz: Well, Lord Valid, you seem t-*COUGH!!!*... Hmmnnnn... As I was sayi-*cough* *cough* *cough*!! My*cough* goodness, someone must've left a window open!

Valid: I beg your pardon?

Ballentz: Oh, no, my lo-*cough* *cough* Mmmheemmm! No, my lord, I beg you! Always. *COUGH!!* ... Anyway, I was saying tha-*cough* That someone must have left a window open; this oxygenless space coming in, it's*cough* *cough* raising **** with my throat!

Valid: I hadn't really noticed. 'Course, I have this **** mask.

Ballentz: Right.

They continue walking, saying nothing while Ballentz stifles some more coughs. After ten minutes of this...

Ballentz: Oh, will you lookit that! We've come to the end of the line.

Valid: How do you figure that? There's at least fifty feet ahead of us!

Ballentz: Lord Valid, the line is determined by the officers we walk between, not by the length of the room.

Valid: The width, commander.

Ballentz: ... The what?


Valid: The wi-

Ballentz: Uh, before we continue our conversation, let's turn back and retrace our steps. I just hate getting the skinny while being ungazed at by my subordinates, don't you?

Ballentz and Valid turn around and start heading back the way they came.

Valid: What were you saying about something being skinny?

Ballentz: Oh, that. No, I was just saying tha-

Valid: SILENCE!!!

Ballentz droops his head in shame while they both continue walking in silence for eight minutes. Then...

Valid: ... I've got a bad headache.

Ballentz: Oh? I'm sorry to hear that, my lord. I've always rather enjoyed your hea-

Valid: SHUT UP!!

Ballentz fidgets around, unnerved by his officers' queer gazes. He bites his lip and glances to the side a few times, seeing if his master's countenance has changed. His master still looking as scary as ever, they both just walk silently for five minutes. Then...

Ballentz: ... Lord Valid? Can I please talk now?

Valid: ... Give me a minute.

Four minutes pass, and they eventually return to where they started.

Valid: Ah, my shuttle has been waiting for me this whole time! Well, commander, this visit hasn't been too shabby! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting with a stormtrooper, whose exact identity I won't know 'til he takes his helmet off. Good day, commander!

Valid begins ascending the shuttle ramp, when Ballentz grabs his shoulder.

Ballentz: But, Lord Valid!! Why have you come!?

Valid: Don't have time to explain right now. Look, I'll call you later on tonight and we-

Ballentz: No!! I need to know now!! The Emperor sent a hologram saying he'd KILL ME if I didn't understand the purpose of your visit!!

Valid stood still for a moment, then started chuckling.

Ballentz: W-what's so funny? I don't understand...

Valid: No, it's just the irony of the whole situation. See, the Emperor wanted me to tell you he'd kill you if you didn't complete this space station. Now, maybe he had two kill excuses and couldn't really make up his mind which was the juicier, so he sent me to... I dunno, it's complicated. Anyway, to sum it up... Complete the Debt Star and live maybe... or uncomplete the Debt Star and die surely. Now if you'll excuse me...

As Valid continues up the ramp...

Ballentz: We'll double our efforts!

Valid turns to face his underling.

Valid: I hope so, commander. For goodness's sake. Santa Clause is not as real as I am.